useful chamber →


because of how my schedule usually plays out, and the frequent days of 12 or 14 or 16 hours, i usually end up with fridays off. but they haven’t felt like “off” days yet, because 1) catching up on all the life stuff i couldn’t do during those 12/14/16s, and 2) figuring out how not to think about…

i got a two weeks dose of real life (a full time job, which isn’t really full time, it’s about 30 hours, but requires about 55 hours of your time) and it really sucks. i know i’m just getting used to having a full time job and all of the demands of it, but it’s really exhausting. my supervisor is only two years older than me and only got her msw a year before i did. she sort of just spits info at me and is like “oh you didn’t know you were supposed to do this?” or “you haven’t done this yet?” its like umm no one fucking told me to do that so…she literally just spits out numbers of people and spits out information and she is available and present to me but just doesn’t seem…idk, i don’t know, like a real person? i’m not sure how to explain it, it’s just like, i wish there was some manual of what you had to do, like a list, like a beginners list, of things that you need to do. there’s always something new. and i’m like, shit, i was supposed to be doing that? and i’m new to the job and after a while things won’t be a surprise to me anymore, but it’s just ridiculous. if they see i’m not doing something i’m supposed to, they should tell me before i come in for supervision! medicaid is who we are getting paid by, and there’s tons of paperwork that we have to complete, which i understand. i get paid hourly. i just wish i had a heads up about not being able to meet with a client for a full week straight because we have to ask for an extension on her case from medicaid. so it’s like, I’m out of that money for the week. so it’s like, um thanks? and then there’s another client whos avoiding meeting with me at all costs and keeps changing the meeting time and my supervisors like well, you’re just gonna have to meet her at school, which is fine by me, but i am required to work 7 HOURS A WEEK WITH THIS GIRL!! meeting this girl at school for a total of 20 minutes!! isn’t going to cut it, even if i do it everyday! and my supervisor was literally like “it’s not just you she does this to, she did this to other counselors too” and i’m like um lady, that was the least of my concerns! i’m not worried if it’s only me that she does it to, whatever it is, it’s a problem, and i’m out of money, and gas money when i show up at her house continually and she isn’t there when she says she’s going to be there. supervision is a waste of time and gas money with this girl. i wish i had a supervisor with more experience and …warmth i guess. my supervisor went to my rival high school, my undergraduate college, and my graduate college, and is from the town next to me. it just doesn’t feel like someone who should be in a supervision role when it’s like literally someone who is me?

plus i’m just fat, and can’t fit in my jeans. i run three times a week but it’s ridiculous fitting that into my schedule too, my god! i literally have to run and then immediately get dressed and then spend an hour or so working on a plan for my lesson with each of the kids i see in the evening! it’s exhausting, and i really wonder how the other counselors do it. 7 hours a week with 5 clients is really intense, and i don’t find it beneficial for both parties. there is only so much you can talk about! especially with adolescents and teenagers! 

but this is social work, and this is super good experience. it is a very independent job which i dig, the hours i flexible, and i really do love my clients. well, at least the ones that show up. they are smart, funny, and cool to be around. i learn a lot from them, and that is the best part of the job. i just don’t know if i’m making much a difference, but i’ve only been working for two weeks so i should probably feel patient.

i’m just really overwhelmed today, and the house is always a mess, and no one cleans, and no one walks or feeds the poor dog, so i always end up having to do it, and i don’t mind (well i mind about cleaning), but i literally am slammed and legitimately have no time. 


r u ever like damn i hate my body but then ur like life is an illusion i’m floatin around on a rock trapped in an orbit around a ball of flame in a vast & largely unknown universe where death is unescapable who gives a shit ???